Squeaky's Undisclosed Location

From CNN

2006-10-13T23:35:00.000-07:00

Canada troops battle 10-foot Afghan marijuana plants

Wow.

OTTAWA, Canada (Reuters) -- Canadian troops fighting Taliban militants in Afghanistan have stumbled across an unexpected and potent enemy -- almost impenetrable forests of marijuana plants 10 feet tall.
General Rick Hillier, chief of the Canadian defense staff, said Thursday that Taliban fighters were using the forests as cover. In response, the crew of at least one armored car had camouflaged their vehicle with marijuana.
"The challenge is that marijuana plants absorb energy, heat very readily. It's very difficult to penetrate with thermal devices. ... And as a result you really have to be careful that the Taliban don't dodge in and out of those marijuana forests," he said in a speech in Ottawa, Canada.
"We tried burning them with white phosphorous -- it didn't work. We tried burning them with diesel -- it didn't work. The plants are so full of water right now ... that we simply couldn't burn them," he said.
Even successful incineration had its drawbacks.
"A couple of brown plants on the edges of some of those [forests] did catch on fire. But a section of soldiers that was downwind from that had some ill effects and decided that was probably not the right course of action," Hiller said dryly.
One soldier told him later: "Sir, three years ago before I joined the army, I never thought I'd say 'That damn marijuana'."
Copyright 2006 Reuters. All rights reserved.This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed.

Actually, it is.

2006-08-22T19:51:00.000-07:00

Funniest thing my mom has ever said...

Dusty: All these pictures of me are horrible.

Mom: It's not my fault you're ugly.

AP Exam Score

2006-07-12T21:43:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I got a little envelope from the AP College Board.

Shit! It's my exam grade.

Slowly, I opened it.

Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit

I took a deep breath, and then peaked.

Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, oh - HOLY CRAP!

I got a 5!

:)

3 More Reasons

2006-07-10T17:57:00.000-07:00

Few more reasons you should have watched the World Cup...

Odonkor (GER)
David Trezeguet (FRA) - Thierry Henry's best friend. Awwww
FABIO CANNAVARO (ITA) - GAH! He's gorgeous! The jury is out on whether he can evenly rival the adorableness of Henry. Pirlo hugging him tightly during the shootout of the final made even this French supporter coo.

The 10 Reason to Watch the WC

2006-07-01T23:25:00.000-07:00

So now that US is out, I get to focus on the more superficial aspects of the World Cup - hot soccer players!

10. Kaka (BRA)
9. Rafa Marquez (MEX) - Could've been higher up on the list...but his hair is too oily
8. Frank Lampard (ENG)
7. Asamoah Gyan (GHA)
6.Michael Ballack (GER)
5. Pablo Mastroeni (USA) - My friend Jen met him (and the rest of the US Nat. team) in Nashville. She said he was gorgeous in real life (as was Bocanegra and Convey)
4. Giovanni van Bronckhorst (HOL)
3. Didier Drogba (COT)
2. Roque Santa Cruz (PAR)
1. Thierry Henry (FRA) - You can have Ronaldinho and his samba moves, I'll take Henry's va-va-vooms anyday. He's fast, brilliant, and at the same time impossibly adorable. LOVE!

NOTE: Why is Christiano Ronaldo not on the list? After all, he is young and very attractive.

Well, that is because he is a cry baby and has the emotional maturity and sense of sportsmanship less than that of the 6-year olds I watch this summer as a camp counselor

NOTE: And Beckham?

The vomit ruined him for me. Yuck.

USA! USA! US - aw crap...

2006-06-22T17:46:00.000-07:00

O-3
1-1
1-2

Ugh...who am I more upset at? Donovan, Beasely, Arena, FIFA refs, or the diving crap from every single team?

Donovan and Beasely

I was at the Morocco game in Nashville. When you played uninspired then, I decided not to worry because I was sure you could atleast pick it up for the World Cup. Guess I was wrong.

FIFA refs

Wow...you'd think cards were going out of style the way you ripped them out of your dorky little pocket everytime a player stubbed his toe. Let the players play! Just because a guy tripped, doesn't mean it was a foul.

Divers

I don't know if I can possibly put into words how much I hate diving. You ruin the game by writhing all over the ground, crying and clutching your shin. You aren't hurt! Ever wonder why Americans don't like soccer? It's because you acting like a pansy anytime someone even looks at you.

Bruce Arena

You smirk through all the games with your arms crossed (because you're just to cool to get up and put in a decent sub). But then as soon as a ref makes a bad call, you hop up and throw your hands in the air. Just a hint...when your plan to rely on your vets fails, CHANGE YOUR STRATEGY. Sitting on your ass and doing NOTHING didn't beat the Czechs and it wasn't going to beat Ghana either.

Also, why the hell was Beasley not making any runs? Donovan? Any offensive player? The US team is young and in good shape. Let them run. Don't make them hang back taking 2-3-4 touches on the ball before they pass. Make them play faster and play more daring.

Don't even get me started on the horrible commentary from Dave O'Brien. Balboa just needs to unplug his mic.

2 Days Until

2006-06-07T20:57:00.000-07:00

THE WORLD CUP

(yay!)

Scrubs

2006-05-06T12:57:00.000-07:00

Now, having devoted my entire three day weekend (excluding 3 hours for my AP Exams and 1 hour job interview) to viewing my Scrubs Season 1 DVD, I have determined the following things:

Donald Faison is my hero.
I will never be entirely happy until my world is just like Sacred Heart.

I <3 Will

2006-04-23T19:30:00.000-07:00

Erica: The Easter bunny is the reason for the season.
Will: Eggs died for us.
Squeaky: Wait - I don't get the "died" part.
Will: Not "died"; "dyed", like "d-y-e-d."
Squeaky: Oh, I get it.
Erica: Actually, I don't think she does understand the religious implication of it.
Will: No, I think she does understand because she hasn't been living under a Star of David shaped rock her entire life.

Later...

Squeaky (while searching for exact change): Ugh, sorry guys. I know I'm being such a stereotypical Jewish grandma right now.
Amanda: Es koo'. Ima THE stereotypical redneck.
Ingrid: Dude, I promote the stereotypes of both my mom's and my dad's side. I love rice AND fried chicken.
Erica: Haha, that's funny. I don't think I know what my stereotype is
Will: You are a stereotypical bitch.

Oh, Will...what would I do with you?

I Know Student Activists!

2006-03-29T19:07:00.000-08:00

Right now it's not even funny how badly I wish I was out of (undisclosed location). All my DC friends keep calling me and telling me about the protests (protesting that goddamn stupid immigration bill proposed by that ass in Cali) they're having at my old school, and it sounds so cool.

I wish I was there so badly.

My friend Afroza says that half of the kids in her class are protesting. The police kicked them off of school property, so now they are on the street. Guess what? My ex-classmates took up the whole street....people couldn't even get off the Metro!

Gosh, I miss them so much. It seems like DC, people had real problems, not this fake shit that starts up in (undisclosed location). No one here has any real opinions besides what there parents tell them. A bunch of the kids don't even understand that Mexico isn't the same place as El Salvador (and thus, are confused when I tell them that a bunch of MS-13 people come from El Salvador and not "some Mexican country").

In DC, the schools had real problems...like gangs and my classmates extrordinary obsession with pot. In (undisclosed location), my principal is mad that we're bringing iPods to school. He's not worried that they'll get stole, though; he's worried that we'll download answers to tests and use them to cheat.

Okay, well, Mr. Parker, you find someone that knows how to do that at (undisclosed location) High, and I'll apologize.

At my school last year, there were so many clubs and ways to get involved: Gay-Straight Alliance, Young Republicans, Young Democrats, LASA, African Heritage Club, Muslim Youth, Christian Youth, Latin Heritage Club, Asian Heritage Club, etc. All the clubs had a purpose and a mission.

At my school this year, we have three Christian Youth Clubs that don't do anything. They meet once every quarter and try to guilt you into coming to pray with them at the flagpole before school. They still try to get me to come even though I've told them repeatedly "Thanks, but I'm happy with my faith".

Oh man, I just miss DC so much.

For more information about my amazing classmates click here. Also...be sure to enlarge the picture - I had PE class with the boy waving the black shirt in front of the SUV and the boy in the grey shirt in front of the kid with the red shirt around his head. The boy in the blue and white polo was in Geometry with me last year.

Memories: The Fallujah Scrapbook

2006-03-05T19:23:00.000-08:00

This is a picture of Brian, who used to be the president of my synagogue's youth group. He graduated last year and now he drives a tank in Fallujah. He sent a mass email to just about everyone in (undisclosed location) and here are some of the pictures he attached.

He named this file "melookingcool".

This is a mosque in Fallujah.

(undisclosed location) really needs a brightly colored, ornately decorated mosque. There are two mosques here, but they blend in with all the sepia toned "historical" churches, just like the two synagogues. Actually the closest thing we have to this style architecture is the shiny copper-plated dome over the entrance to the mall.

Here, he is handing out candy and snacks to Iraqi kids.

- Wait! What is that? Can we zoom in there?

Oh my gosh! He's giving her Hanukkah gelt!

That made me laugh for about 5 minutes. Actually, I'm exagerating. I only laughed for about 30 seconds. Er, 30 seconds seems too long. It was probably only a second or two, but I still find it really funny.

Dear Middle East and Parts of South Asia,

2006-02-18T19:24:00.000-08:00

When those comics were first published, I totally empathized with you. I thought the talking head Anderson Cooper's show was an ass for saying that no one should have apologized for the offensive drawings.

But now? What tha? What's going on, guys? Cartoons mocking the Holocaust? Killing people? Offering ransoms for the murders of the Danish cartoonists?

Seriously stop.

Especially you, Iran and Pakistan. Sheena is Iranian and the HOTTEST guy at my school in DC was from Pakistan (seriously, the man was gorgeous), so I've tried to give you a second chance. However, now y'all are just being ridiculous. Grow up.

Love,

Squeaky

The Lunch Bunch

2006-02-11T08:53:00.000-08:00

My school has five different lunch periods, and by some twist of fate, I don't have a single ood friend in my lunch. It's alright though, I've been eating with Mindy "Drives Sans-License" Abou Taleb and Nick "I'm Not Gay" Rhodes from my English class.

Friday, Mindy was at a choir trip instead of school, so it was just me and Nick at lunch. I'm not super buddy-buddy with Nick, so a small part of me was afraid I would endure 30 minutes of awkward silence with the kid.

However, this was not the case. Why? Because I asked Nick about his favorite subject.

Himself.

That boy talked for 30 solid minutes about the following things:

His girlfriend
His "newly devirginized lips" (his words not mine, apparently he had his first kiss last week)
The "jerk" that asked his girlfriend to a dance
His Mormonism
His want to experience new religions
His Mormon parents that won't let him do such experimenting
Famous peope he's met
Prank calls
California & his longing to go back to San Diego
His attraction to fair skinned people (which is code for "I like white girls!")
The fact that he doesn't stereotype people
His friendliness & amiability ("I just go talk to people, I'm not intimidated if they're 'popular'. I just walk up and say 'Hi". That is why people like me. I mean, I'm not 'popular' in the sense that I party, but I have a lot of friends and everybody knows who I am.")

Finally the lunch bell rang, and he was silenced. All I can say is, thank goodness Mindy will be back on Tuesday.

I Bet This is a Jewish Conspiracy

2006-02-06T20:59:00.000-08:00

When The Book of Daniel cast a liberal depiction of Jesus, the Christian religion was under attack and NBC was forced to cancel the show with the tres beau Aiden Quinn. After all, Jesus was talking to a priest with a gay son and a pot dealing daughter. NBC is obviously hates Christians.

When European newspapers run political cartoons depicting Muhammed with a bomb in his turban, well, then those crazy Muslims are just overreacting. I mean, its not like it is against Islamic idealology to draw pictures of the holiest prophet in the Islamic religion. Obviously, the Muslim world just hates free speech.

Mmm...hypocrisy...it's delicious.

Varsity, Jr.

2006-02-01T20:22:00.000-08:00

Remember when I was bouncing off the walls because school soccer was starting? You should. That was, like, two posts ago.

Anyways, I'm on JV. I figured I would be. Just because I lurve soccer, doesn't mean I'm fantastico at it. So, that is all fine and dandy because I'll get enourmous amount of playing time on JV and I know I'll get pulled up to Varsity later.

Well...you know what isn't cool about JV? The fact that we suck. Like no joke. The JV team is tredding AYSO territory here. It's terrible because half of the JV is really good and is just a little bit short from Varsity, while the other half can't chest the ball because they mess up and hurt their boobs.

Yesterday, Coach Jack talked to us about speed dribbling. Then he had to tell us how to kick the ball so it stays on the ground (locked ankle, foot up, follow through with knee). Yes, it is that remedial.

What also sucks is the size of the JV. We have 14 players. At first I'm thinking, "Yeah! Lots of playing time!" Then I realize that it means atleast 4 really bad players will be playing at all time. Of course, someone is going to tear an ACL*, and it'll probably be one of the ten good players.

We would have had more players on the team, but some girls decided to "negotiate" with the coaches when they found out they made JV. And by "negotiate" I mean "cried and got their mommy to call the Head Coach and complain until he agreed to put the kid on Varsity". Atleast Cute Coach isn't coaching my high school team, because then the only way to get on Varsity would be to act like a slut and hop into a jacuzzi with him**.

Another good thing about such a sorry JV? I have a good chance of being el capitano.
* Cuz, someone always tears an ACL. Why is that? Why not an those other ligaments? And why doesn't the boys team tear ACLs at the rate the girls team does?

** Actually, that's mean. I talked to Cute Coach recently and he told me his side of the story. He didn't smoke pot or drink with Chaslini & Marilu, and he made them do the laundry. Something about Chaslini washing my dirty socks makes me so happy. I still think he's a dumb frat boy, though. I just wish he wasn't so damn hot.

Vampires on Capitol Hill

2006-01-25T17:12:00.000-08:00

My history teacher wasn't at school today, so another teacher came over to sub for us during his planning period. We really didn't have that much work lined up to do, so we just had a class discussion about current events.

Wiretaps lead to NSA which led to the CIA which lead Ben Goodly to mention how his DC residing uncle showed him a top secret CIA headquarters disquised as a run-down church.

Then I added to the topic saying, "Yeah, in DC, if you're walking around, especially in places with all the government offices, you randomly see these guys dressed in all black walking by clutching their headsets. You are like, 'Woah, that was some Secret Service guy'."

The new kid, who just moved to (undisclosed location) from Fairfax, delightfully responded, "*snort* Well, um, I lived in DC too, and that has never happened."

Ok, thanks for acting like a brat. I especially like the little snort in the beginning.

You know, I made that up. Because I like to fabricate stories. Because I'm desperate for attention. I mean, how could someone possible believe that government security would be, you know, SECURING the CAPITAL.

It's such a crazy concept, I know. To think that government security would be patrolling streets/buildings when important diplomats/lobbyists/Congressmen/White House officials are out around town. I mean, c'mon, everyone knows that White House officials are vampires, and vampires have no need for Secret Servicemen.

Good thing the Centreville Genius, Possessor of All-Worldy Knowledge, was there to inform the class of this devious lie I told them. Because, you know, other wise they would have thought our country was run by the undead

O Frabjous Day!

2006-01-22T21:06:00.000-08:00

Guess what starts tomorrow at 3:45?

School soccer!

cue sounds of jubilation

Sure, I won't have another free afternoon until late May, but who cares! No more weight training! No more running tests! No more cross-training at the swimming pool!

I get to use the new stadium! I get to play soccer again! I only hope that if I am to be kidnapped and forced to work in a Thai sweatshop sewing sneakers for Wal-Mart for 14 hours a day, that it happens after try-outs end Friday.

Costco

2005-12-29T15:59:00.000-08:00

So...Costco. Pretty cool, huh?

Yep, now, I've always been more of a Sam's Club gal myself - with my mom having this weird loyalty to the Sam Walden empire because the first Walmart was near her hometown.

However, in this past month, I've switched sides completely and have become a total Costco groupie. Why? - you ask.

Cheap Gas - Since (undisclosed location) is trying to make me suffer, it is sans-Metro. Cheap gas, thus, is a virtue.
Bulk Items - In one trip, I can get enough lox, bagels, and cream cheese to satisfy thius Southern girl's Jewish needs for a solid month.
Kosher Food - Speaking of Jews, the local Costco is managed by a Jewish guy, which means there is finally a place to buy Passover food (instead of asking the clerks at Krogers for matzah, and getting mozzeralla.) Unfortunately, where there is Passover food, there is gefilte fish. I suppose you can't win all the time.
Charming Staff - No joke, the staff at this Costco is completely charming. They are super friendly, nice, helpful, and they give you free samples. Besides, one guy named Terrell could charm the pants off any woman. And he probably has. The 40+ lady behind me in the check out line kept blushing and twinkling at Terrell win he was ringing up her purchases.

Antagonist #3: Josie the Roy Moore Minion

2005-12-06T16:15:00.000-08:00

So, there is this Dutch girl named Josie in my 1st and 3rd block class. How do I know she is Dutch? Because that is all she ever talks about.

"New York was founded by the Dutch. LIKE ME!" "I don't care about Spanish, French, German, etc., but I want to learn Dutch...because I am Dutch!" "Hey Ben...bet you can't find Holland! I'm Dutch!" "I aced the test - because I'm DUTCH!" "Guys love blondes. Good thing I'm DUTCH!"

(Of course, when I mention that not all guys prefer blondes and everyone has their own opinion on what is beautiful, she gets all defensive and huffy and says that she's only met guys that like blondes and most guys prefer blondes.)

Yeah...if that isn't enough to make your way on Squeaky's list of antagonists, then it gets worse.

One weekend many moons ago, I'd stayed up super late Sunday working on an paper for English. I had a soccer tournament, so I didn't get to work on it until late at night. The next morning, I was dead tired, and I was sitting on my desk drinking a cup of hot coffee. Josie decides to JUMP ON TOP OF ME and yell "BOO!" in my ear. The coffee didn't have a lid on it...so guess where it went. Yep. I love hot coffee drippig down my jeans at 7:50 in the morning. Really makes my day.

Wait! There's more.

This is the second year she's been in a real school. She was homeschooled every year before that. Homeschooling is fine, if it is your thing. Whatever. Frenchie, a girl on my soccer team, was homeschooled and she is an angel. Homeschooling isn't my thing, but I understand some people like it. Well...Josie's years of having her parent's full attention on her work has hampered her understanding of "group learning" and the fact that the teacher cannot focus on one person at a time. Any time the teacher asks a question, I hear, "Oh! Oh! Me! Me! Me, Mrs. Hanley! Me!"

Of course, then she acts like a martyr later, "I'm the only person that ever reads the chapter on my own. It's like we wouldn't get anywhere if I wasn't there to ask the teacher questions about the chapter."

Aw, poor baby. Do you need a hug? Oh yeah, you do...maybe that is why you HUG the teacher after EVERY period and tell her you love her.

Now...all of that is very annoying, but some people are just annoying. There's nothing you can do about it. Wonderful Josie has, however, so graciously given me a real reason to not like her.

In English, everyone is taking notes on Ralph Waldo Emerson and the transendentalists. Teacher mentions Nature is one of Emerson's most famous works. Because this teacher believes in discussion classes, she asks us all to write our definition of the word nature. Everyone wrote something about "not man-made" or "wildlife". About half the class wrote something about God.

Teacher remembers something and tells us that her old dictionaries have God in the definition of nature, but not the new ones. Josie raises her hand.

"The only people that wouldn't include God in their definition of nature are atheists."

Bah-dum.

"That is not true. You can believe in evolution and science in relation to the biosphere and still believe in God," refuted.

Josie as well as about three or so of the Bible-thumpers go, "How?" Three of those voices were just wondering what I meant. Josie was saying it in a convicting way.

"Deism." this kid Ben suggested. It was a joke because the day before we were taking notes on the rationalists (ie Ben Franklin, Tom Jefferson) and we had to take notes on Deism.

Teacher changed the subject and went back to Emerson.

50-ish minutes later, the bell is about to ring, so everyone is chatting with their neighbors. I was looking around the room, and I noticed a girl, Mary-Ann, talking to Josie. They never talk, so I thought it was interesting. Then I heard what Josie was saying,

"Blah-blah-blah-atheist. Blah-blah-blah-Jewish. Blah-Judaism-blah-God. She says she Jewish, but I think she's atheist."

...

Did Josie honestly sink so low as to question my religion and accuse me of being atheist? Even the way she said atheist. She said it like it was something despicable...atheist. She said it like you would say cochroach or rabid opossum or 5 page MLA essay on symbolism in The Scarlet Letter.

She turned to another girl and said the exact same spiel. It looked like the second girl was defending me.

It's not like she knows anything about Judaism. I didn't say anything blasphemous. Any Jew'll tell you that the theory of evolution coincides with the Torah. Wasn't it Socrates that said (more or less) that nature is physical, and spirituality is metaphysical, thus comparing the two is like comparing apples to Jesus melons.

I didn't say I supported ethnic-cleansing. I didn't say I was a fascist. I said that it is possible to believe in God and believe in evolution. Maybe she'll send a Galapagos island finch (that has NEVER been altered in ANY way WHATSOEVER) to bite me.

I thought Jesus said to "turn the other cheek" not "turn the other cheek to the girl next to you and talk about how that heathen Jewgirl is going to burn in hell. Dadgum Chirstkiller."

PS - And she said "we" in reference to the Civil War South (ie. identifying with the CSA), thinks alcohol should be banned and is eeeeeevil (even if you a responsible adult who is drinking in moderation), complaines about how her gold braces make her "teeeth hurrt sssoooo baaad."

PPS - And she mispronounces words like Protestant.

But Where is Public Enemy?

2005-12-05T20:50:00.000-08:00

Well, I was clicking through my mom's iPod earlier today, checking out everything she's got on there. I know she sneaks some of my CDs out of my room and downloads them on it, so I wanted to see what she had.

It was everything I expected, until about half way through the "Artist" section. Nestle snuggly in between Ray Charles and Stevie Nicks is...Run-DMC.

Yep. My mom wouldn't let me go to a Kanye West concert, but she listens to Run-DMC on her iPod.

Mom, you have Run-DMC on your iPod?
Yep.

But you wouldn't let me go to that Kanye West concert?
I wouldn't let you go to a Run-DMC concert.

But they are, like, ten times "worse" than Kanye.
You can listen to Run-DMC if you want.

No, I just meant that if Run-DMC was ok, then Kanye West should be ok.
Well, I don't have a problem with you buying Kanye West albums. I just wouldn't let you go to the concert.

Why not?
Because I'm mean. Hey, who's that guy in Dodgeball and Thumbsucker? The one ol' Jennifer Aniston is dating? Vince Vaughn, right? I think I'm starting to like him. He's on this Sex and the City episode and...

Overheard in (Undisclosed Location)

2005-12-01T23:37:00.000-08:00

People say some really funny things some times. Some of them intentional. Some of them not so much. Some of these funny things were spoken directly to me. Some of them I overheard in the hallways.

Anyways, I present to you a collection of quotes I've stored in my brain for the last few months. Viola.

Girl: Mmm...Nazi. That is a really funny word to say.

Teacher: You are Will's brother aren't you? He's the school president. Are you a leader as well?
Boy: Actually, I'm more of a follower.

Muslim Girl: Let's have sex on tables...with JEWISH BOYS.

Woman (looking at construction site): What are they building there? It looks like a church.
Girl: I think it is one of those Youth Centers. Y'no, where kids go and play basketball...for the Lord.

Boy: Don't you like democracy?
Girl: As opposed to totalitarian regimes? Yes.

Girl 1: You look like a sailor.
Girl 2: Thank you.

Security Officer (confused): Young man, are you praying?
Boy (knealing at locker): No. I'm getting my History book.

Girl 1: Frederick Douglas is so unbelievably hot.
Girl 2: The abolitionist?
Girl 1: Yeah, isn't he?

Ce n'est bon pas

2005-11-29T19:50:00.000-08:00

France tightens controls on immigration
Authorities will increase enforcement of requirements that immigrants seeking 10-year residency permits or French citizenship master the French language and integrate into society, Dominique de Villepin said. (USAToday)

The French are idiots. Weren't the riots due to unemployment and poverty and frustration with anti-foreigner sentiments? Isn't it true that, in France, workers with French sounding last names will get more call backs during job interviews than those with African or Arab sounding last names?

Wasn't it the French that once cried, "Liberte, Egalite, Fraternite Ou La Mort,"?

Um yeah, I suppose they forgot about that. Then again, the French haven't always been the best strategists.

Like OMG! Mr. Darcy! SQUEE!

2005-11-27T19:01:00.000-08:00

Earlier today I saw the new Pride & Prejudice movie with my Austenite friend, Mel. She must reread P&P a gazillion times a year. I've read it once, but the book was delightful, so I was more than willing to go. Besides Bend it Like Beckham has made me a sucker for anything that involves Keira Knightley (and Parminder Nagra for that matter).

I didn't quite know what mataphysical power a Jane Austen story can have on a girl if adapted for cinema in the proper way, until I saw this movie. Before the movie, Mel and I were having a socially conscience debate over economic policies and taxes in regards to big businesses.

See?

We felt so smart and wordly discussing politics. We felt like Elizabeth Bennet

That didn't last long because as soon as the movie started and Mr. Darcy appeared on the screen, we were reduced to squealing, giggly fangirls.

Hmm...much less Elizabeth. MUCH much less Elizabeth. No more poise and sophistication for us, no sirreee.

We had become Lydia and Kitty.

Parting of Ways

2005-11-16T20:19:00.000-08:00

Saturday Viv hosted the end of the season team party at her gorgeous house in the Historical District of (undisclosed location). Actually, her house is two blocks away from my synagogue, which means I might just skip Confirmation class to go hang out with her.

The party was all fun. Leigh gave me some awesome pictures she took of us. Cute Coach acted really reserved and shy, which was odd...whatever.

I got everyone's phone number and we all promised to "stay in touch" and be "best friends forever" (which will presumably last 2 weeks). I said bye to everyone, including Cute Coach. It was kind of sad because if he hadn't gotten hammered with two of my teammates, I'd be writing now about how awesome he was. Anyways, I said "Auf wiedersehen" to him, and he picked up the reference to the times I gave him a lift to Bham. Then I taught him a secret handshake, and he left.

Viv, Sheena, Livy. amd Leigh amd I hugged for a long time though and swore to go cow tipping, marshmallow roasting, and partying together before everyone goes to college. Damn, I'm gonna miss them.

On Tuesday, fall evaluations for school soccer started, which I s'ppose was perfectly timed so not to violate the school soccer vs. club soccer rule.

Sigh

Whodabitch?

2005-11-15T09:03:00.000-08:00

I think it is safe to say that I am the worst friend ever.

In between 1st and 2nd block I was in the hall way waiting for my friend Kelsey to come out of her class. I noticed my friend Bre talking to Brad, her boyfriend, a few lockers down.

I do not like her boyfriend. Brad is a loser. Brad short, squat, pastier than Elmer's glue, and plays the trumpet in marching band. He's got a psycho family and lacks people skills. He listens to Kenny G in his spare time. Bre is a tall, thin, Puerto Rican girl with crazy eyes that could do so so so much better than what she's got.

Kelsey finally comes out of her classroom, and I talk to her. I glance over at Bre and Brad says he has to go, so he hugs her. He keeps hugging her. He's not just giving her a "Hey, see you at lunch" hug, he's giving her a "Let's just hold each other because we are so madly in love hug."

I busted out laughing. It was the funniest, most awkward thing I'd seen in the longest time. Here you've got this tall girl bending down so her loser boyfriend can hug her. She didn't even seem to enjoy it.

Kelsey saw it too, and also started laughing. Then she hit me because Bre was looking at me laugh. Bre made the "What's funny?" face and then turned red. Oops, she figured out I was laughing at her.

I bit my tongue so I would stop, and then tried to play it off like Kelsey said something funny, "Oh gosh, Kelsey, you crack me up. Seriously, you are like the girl Dave Chappelle."

When I looked back, loser Brad was gone and Bre gave me a really sad look.

I should be nicer. I mean, at least she's got a boyfriend. I really should be nicer.

Disappointments in Coaches, Again

2005-11-14T18:54:00.000-08:00

I had some posts in here last week that were a quite long synopsis of why I don't really respect Cute Coach that much anymore - at all.

I took them down because -

I misused the word coche. It means coach as in carriage, not coach as in trainer.
It is really hard to stay mad at him. Even though I know he's reckless and irresponsible, he acts so polite to everyone and he's so nice to me.
I can't be mad at the two girls from my team that partied with him because if he asked me if I wanted to hang out with him two weeks ago, I would've gone along with him.

Short Synopsis of the Scandal in Question:

Sat. night of our State Cup, two girls on my team (Chaslini & Marilu) started hitting on Cute Coach and his friend Gringo all through dinner. After dinner Cute Coach and Gringo drove back to us girls' hotel to pick up a Papi Chulo T Shirt we made Cute Coach (we'd been making team T Shirts all day.) Cute Coach and Gringo left to go party, but Chaslini and Marilu snuck out after them and partied with them until 4 30 when Cute Coach finally remembered that he was supposed to drop our uniforms off at our hotel.

Because a few other girls on my team and I are not stupid, we spied on C & M and watched them hop into Gringo's car. Sheena (teammate) called Cute Coach a few times to ask him where are uniforms were (and to figure out for sure if C & M were with them) and both times Gringo answered the phone drunk of his ass and said Cute Coach was "unavailable".

At 4 30, Gringo dropped the uniforms off at Sheena's room, and she questioned him some more and discovered that C, M, Cute Coach, and Gringo, drank and even ended up in a hot tub at one point.

The next day we were almost positive they smoked pot, and we also realized that C & M didn't bring bathing suits (we found there bras mixed in with our uniforms - ew). We lost that game, but the 5 of us that knew what happened the night before never formerly confronted Cute Coach about what happened. A few parents know too, but a majority of EVERYONE involved in the team, does not know what happened. When the parents that hate Cute Coach find out - he will get fired, but they don't know yet.

Mazel Tov in HTML

2005-11-13T19:42:00.000-08:00

Jazz and Omar both get a special plug because they gave me lovely comments the other day.

Good work, y'all.

The (Nick)Name Game

2005-11-03T16:58:00.000-08:00

In DC we've got I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby, Michael "Brownie" Brown, Tom "The Hammer" DeLay and Karl "The Architect" Rove. What about the other politians? Don't they deserve nicknames too?

A List of Suggestions:

Trent "Unicycle" Lott
Clarence "MoPed" Thomas
Ruth "Matzabrei" Bader Ginsburg
Barack "The Veternarian" Obama
Hillary "Quiche" Rodham Clinton
Condaleeza "Zeppelin" Rice
Trent "Unicycle" Lott
Donald "The Cordless Screwdriver" Rumsfeld
John "Triple Chocalate Cake" Roberts
Bob "Station Wagon" Riley
Dick "Dr. Evil" Cheney

Now - THAT is Scary

2005-11-02T19:37:00.000-08:00

Monday (Halloween for those of you suffering from memory loss) I was bound, gagged and forced sit in an orthodontist's chair for two hours while two sets of hands shoved wires and metal things down my mouth. When they were finally done, I went to the bathroom, looked in the mirror, and OH NO -

They gave me Paul Wall teeth.

PS - I have no idea why I'm getting braces now, when
everyone else had them
in the 5th grade.
PPS - Who gives someone braces on Halloween? That's
just cruel because then the victim can't eat any candy. Jerks.

Lies of Soccer

2005-10-26T19:34:00.000-07:00

Soccer. The International Sport. Soccer is the most widely played sport in the world. It is played on every continent in the world.

Yes, even Antarctica. Polar bears are very serious about their futbol.

Despite the sport's prestige, it remains clouded in mystery to most Americans. For clarification about this sport, I present to you a list of Socccer Lies.

Offense sells tickets. Defense wins games. - Ha ha, no. In a sport with an average socre of 1-0, 2-0, 2-1, etc. goal scorers are really important. Also, no one buys tickets to soccer games, so the first sentence is irrelevent.
Everything starts in the back. - Lie. A good combination can start anywhere on the field. Many o' sweepers have said that, and many o' times I've rolled my eyes. Ah sweepers, very important people saying very silly things.
Soccer is rougher than football. - False. Soccer is a quick game that requires its athletes to be in shape to run around for 90 minutes with only one water break. Soccer, however, is not rougher than football. Yes, soccer players get slidetackled and hip-checked, but they do not get headbutted by 200 lb linebackers running at a full sprint.
"I can't play fullback, I'm a forward" - You are wrong. Every position in soccer (save goal keeper) is essentially the same position at a different point in the field. When your team has the ball, you spread out and get open for a pass or through-ball. When the opposing team has the ball, you compress the field and eliminate passing lanes. Every position does that soccer does not require players to specialize in any area of the game.
David Beckham is the best soccer player of his time. - Hmm...most famous? Yes. Most attractive? Yes - though Theirry Henry, Jaime Moreno, and the entire US Men's National Team are close behind. Most Skilled? Nah - obviosuly he's got a great shot and speed, but Ronaldinho has that title. Pele' was awesome, as was Maradona, but they are retired.
Soccer players are sexy - Um, actually that is true.

Concert Math

2005-10-17T16:42:00.000-07:00

Question: Can Squeaky go to a Common/Kanye West concert two hours away in November?

My Mother's Logic:

Artist in question writes songs that feature good lyrics with a message +2
Artist in question uses "fuck" more than necessary in songs -2
Artist in question dresses sharp +1
Artist in question bashed George W. +1
Artist in question does not get frequent air time on radio in (undisclosed location) -1
Concert is two hours away -2

2 - 2 +1 + 1 -1 - 2 = -1

-1 = Squeaky can't go to Common/Kanye West concert.

I Know Artsy People!

2005-10-14T19:07:00.000-07:00

Why yes! My friend Ingrid is a fabulous art-eest.

Redeeming Qualities of (Undisclosed Location)

2005-10-08T19:22:00.000-07:00

Today was really wonderful in its simplicity.

It is just turning to Fall and the air was nice a cool. I got a little mocha drink with my mom at a Mom-n-Pop coffee house. I also got a cute little cactus plant. Later, I ran stairs with my dog outside.

Maybe life in (undisclosed location) isn't so bad.

Nice Things in (Undisclosed Location)

My dog - Life in an apartment one block from the Metro was nice, but we couldn't bring our mutt dog with us. She had to stay with some friends on a farm.
Modesty - Washingtonians obviously live in a wonderful, important city, but Washingtonians sometimes value thier importance almost too much. Living in a humble town like (undisclosed location) has made me realize that the world does not revolve around Congress. It is nice opening the newspaper and have the ability to read about sweet old ladies that are selling bracelets for breast cancer patients or organizing Katrina relief drives, as opposed to opening the newspaper and reading about the bureacratic travesty that is Congress.
Lack of Avant-Garde Snobs - (Undisclosed Location) does have its fair share of snobs, but they are the classic "rich-and-pretty-with-nice-hair" snobs. I don't mind them. They aren't my favorite people, but you knnow that in a few years, most of them will grow out of it. The snobs I don't care for are the "You like them? Their music is so cliche. I mean how many times have you seen the poor-girl-from-the-projects-now-I'm-a-multimillionare." These are the same kids that insist on leaving this wretched capitalist country and living in a small hut in Eritrea where they will save the world by giving a toy to every deprived African child. I've been quixotic at times, but I would never ridicule anyone because they want to find success in the American market.
Quiet Nights - Last year I lived across the street from three popular yuppy bars. 2 o' clock in the morning, I heard all the drunken fights and arguments. I also lived next to a fire station, so 2 o' clock in the morning I also heard the fire trucks roar by. Now, I sleep peacefully to the sound of chirping crickets and gently-hooting owls. It's nice.

Band Cult

2005-10-07T16:14:00.000-07:00

This is totally a Southern thing, but...band is a cult.

FAQs

Would I lie about band being a cult?

No.

How do you know this?

Because I know many band people.

Is Color Guard included in the cult?

Yes.

How do these band members get sucked into the cult?

You are about to find out, non-existant reader.

Band Cult Math

50 scared, socially-awkward 7th graders + 1 evil Band-obsessed director x shiny medals from competitions - non-Band friends + oppurtunity to play at pep rallies - other after school activites x 1 band trip to Disneyworld x 6 years of Band post-7th grade = Band Cult

The band at my school is so serious and absorbed in band that they have forgotten how to interact with other non-Band members and even how to enjoy non-Band activities.

Squeaky: I want to buy tickets to the Kanye West concert. That's going to be so awesome.
Saxophone: I hate rap so much. It takes no musical skill to talk fast into the microphone. Everything is synthetic, anyways. Absolutely no musical instrument of any kind is being used.

Commentary: It isn't okay to ridicule someone for their music preference just because you don't listen to it.

Squeaky: Who did you vote for to be in the Homecoming Court?
Flute: Did you vote for any cheerleaders?
Squeaky: Yeah, but -
Flute: Oh my gosh! I can't believe you did that! Why? Cheerleaders are so mean and stuck up. They have this clique, and they don't let any one in it. They are so judgemental! I voted for band people.
Squeaky: Well, every group can seem judgemental. I'm sure has cliques.
Flute: No, see Band is a community. Everyone is so nice.

Commentary: It isn't ok to stereotype all cheerleaders if you (obviously) don't know any of them.

Squeaky: Are you going to Homecoming?
Trumpet: No, the band is going bowling instead. Homecoming is overrated.

Commentary: If you've never been to Homecoming, how do you know if it is overrated.

Clarinet: Yesterday, three people passed out at Marching Band practice.
Squeaky: What? How?
Clarinet: Dehydration. They work us so hard. If we don't play our song correctly, we have to run a half-lap.
Squeaky: With your instruments?
Clarinet: No, just by ourselves.
Squeaky: Oh.
Clarinet: We have two hour practices, three times a week.
Squeaky: Well, that sounds like a regular sport practice.
Clarinet: It's worse. I mean, you never see people on the football team pass out.

Commentary: Maybe they never pass out because they are in shape.

Interupting @ Social Inappropriate Times

2005-09-28T16:19:00.000-07:00

On the school bus, en route to mon maison, three kids in my grade sat in front of me reading their History book.

Anyway, Peter Provancha (real name; though I always thought provancha was a type of cheese) was reading aloud to Rebecca Something (or maybe it is Mary?) about the Constitution.

PP: Ha, it says the number of electorates is chosen by the number of whole people in the state.
R?M?: Ha, whole people.
PP: Yeah, I guess half people don't coun't.
R?M?: Oh, we're learning about that. It is called the...oh, wait...um...I forgot. Oh, it is called the Delaware Plan.
PP: I don't know, I guess.

At this point, I interrupted them. I shouldn't have, but I did.

Squeaky: No, it is not called the Delaware Plan. It is called the 3/5 Compromise, and it was written back during slavery because the southern states refused to give up their slaves, yet the northern states disapproved. So they decided each slave would be considered 3/5 of a person.

PP & R?M?: Stares.

Squeaky: The Great Compromise was when they decided to create a Senate and a House of Representatives, the Senate being based on the New Jersey plan and the House being based on the Virginia Plan.

PP & R?M?: Stares.

Squeaky (embarrassed): Sorry.

Math Class Sample Conversation

2005-09-26T17:51:00.000-07:00

Mel: Did you guys watch Desperate Housewives last night?
Bri: Oh! Yes, I did.
Paisley: Me too!
Squeaky: Aw man, I missed it. I still haven't seen an episode of it. I want to though. I practically know the entire plot just from all the stories I've read about it.
Bri: You mean like Fan Fiction?

Crickets: chirp * chirp*

Squeaky: I'm not that much of a dork.

Pause

Squeaky: I missed Lost the other night too.
Mel: Ah, it was so good.
Paisley: It was!
Bri: Oh, I was watching the Chappelle Show the other day.
Squeaky: A ha, I've seen that show!
Bri: Did you see the one about Electric Guitars and the effect they have on white people.
Squeaky: No, but I saw one about Wayne Brady doing drive-bys.
Bri: Hey! I saw that one too.
Squeaky: Yeah, yeah. When he drives up to that club with Dave, and everyone is like, "Oh shit! It's Wayne Brady!". Then he starts busting all these caps in them.
Bri: flincing at word shit.
Bri: Well, then he kills the cop and takes money from the prostitutes.
Squeaky: Oh yeah, that was so funny. "Am I gonna hafta choke a bitch?" Dave is all like, "Run, bitches! Run for your lives!"
Mel: Hey! Language!
Squeaky: I was quoting. It wouldn't if I substituted prostitute for bitch.

Pause

Paisley: I didn't start watching Comedy Central until I saw the Blue Collar Comedy Show.
Squeaky: I watch it all the time. Ever seen the Daily Show?
Bri, Mel, Paisley: No.
Squeaky: My god, that is some funny stuff. They had a special report called "Evolution Shmevolution" the other day. They went to that town from the Scopes Monkey Trials, and the reporter was acting like it was some fact town like Williamsburg -
Bri: How could a town be fake?
Squeaky: No, he was just acting like it was a tourist attraction, and all the inhabitants were actors. But, they were all these real big Bible-swearing conservatives who fervently denied evolution. At the end, the reporter goes something along the lines of, "Just enjoy the fact that this town is totally fictional, because if it wasn't, it was be some scary shit."
Mel: Squeaky, please. You don't have to cuss.
Squeaky: It was a quote! It is ok if you're quoting.

Pause

Squeaky: Have any of you seen The Hebrew Hammer?
Bri: Um, no. We're not all Jewish you know.
Squeaky: It's a satire. It's only part Jewish jokes, though. The rest is about Santa Claus.
Bri: *snort*

Squeaky gets up, drops binder, papers fly out.

Squeaky: Fuck!

The moral of this story is "Don't let anyone ever tell you Jews can't swear." I made three Goyim very uncomfortable with my usage of gentle cuss words.

The sad thing is, I was already censoring myself. I didn't even get a chance to get creative before they were shaking their heads at me. I guess I'll never get a chance to show off all the great Spanish swer words I picked up in DC. Bummer, because I pricked up some pretty good ones.

iPod Lost?

2005-09-21T18:58:00.000-07:00

Hee hee, whoops. Can't find my iPod. Anywhere. Um, yeah. Whoops.

Confirming Coach's Attractiveness: Outside Source

2005-09-20T20:27:00.000-07:00

JP met Cute Coach Saturday. According to her, Cute Coach is "extremely sexy" and "better looking than [the other guys I've liked.]" She also said he was vaguely reminiscent of Gael Garcia Bernal.

Ain't gonna argue with that.

Worst Pick-Up Line Ever

2005-09-15T23:06:00.000-07:00

This took place a month ago, at a city pool. I was watching my brother and his friend swim while I read Pride & Prejudice.

A guy roughly my age comes over to me, sits down next to me and says, "Do you have a needle? I need to pop a scab."

EW!

He proceeds to pick at a scab on his knee for about ten minutes. I give him a mean look, hoping he'll leave. He doesn't. He spends the next one and a half following me everywhere I go.

I'm shuddering just thinking about him.

Riding in Cars with Cute Coaches

2005-09-10T19:50:00.000-07:00

Two Thursdays ago, my mom extended an offer to Cute Coach that he could ride with us to the tourney in B.ham. He ended up riding down with Viv (who has the most amiable personality of anyone you will ever meet. Ever.)

That Saturday night, the team went out for a big Chinese dinner. All of us players sat at one table (discussing the pros and cons of transgender surgery); the parents and Cute Coach sat at another table (discussing whatever stuff parents and Cute Coaches like to discuss). Several times throughout the night, I turned around to witness my mom and Cute Coach having a wonderful, delightful conversation. Who knew he was Cute Coach/Great Conversationalist?

Fast Forward to Thursday: After one very intense work-out (I'm still sore - 2 days, 4 Ibuprofen later) Cute Coach polled the team seeking conformation that everyone would be down at B.ham again Saturday for another game. At this point he looks over at (with his big, chocolate eyes) and says, "You're going right? Is it alright if I ride with you?"

Of course I say "yes". I completely thank my mom for suddenly becoming BFFs with him, or else he might've kept on riding with Viv (whom I could still never hate, even if she converted to Scientology.)

He called Friday to get directions to our house. Just then I learned that my dad would be driving down to B.ham, not my mom. For a moment I panicked (Would my dad get along as famously with him as my mom does? Could we sustain a conversation the entire car ride without my mom and her ever expanding collection of conversation topics?). I didn't say anything, though because I wasn't in the mood to bitch.

He came by my house this morning and 11:20. I was still rushing around setting up my soccer bag, so I offered him a drink and then my mom took him on a grand tour of the house.

When it was time for us to hit the road, Cute Coach hopped into the back seat of our (pimped) Honda Minivan. I got in the middle row, and my dad drove. Cute Coach and I watched The Bad Seed on the way down. When I found out he'd never seen it, I made him watch it. No movie is as campy (or as suprisingly disturbing) as The Bad Seed.

We won the game; I played badly in the first half but better in the second.

Then we started our journey back to (undisclosed location). Cute Coach transformed once more into Cute Coach/Great Conversationalist, and I talked with him the entire return trip. He went to Germany two years ago, and I went over the summer, so we talked about everything that is crazy in Germany. Considering my dad was 2 feet away, I figured it was a good idea not to flirt with CC/GC. That would be easier to do if CC/GC wasn't so perfect (in my opinion atleast.)

The best part of the whole experience? He asked for a ride down to this Saturday's game back in B.ham. Take that Viv (but I still love you!)

Antagonist # 2: Pam the Team Manager

2005-09-05T11:09:00.000-07:00

Ah, Pam. Where should I begin? I've known you for a mere two weeks, and you've already made it onto my Antagonists List. But how could you make my list so quickly? When did your downward spiral start?

Did it all start when you began pressuring me to join the team before I'd even met Cute Coach?
Did it all start when I asked you a question, and you couldn't even finish your sentence before turning and walking away?
Did it all start when you started listening in on the conversation I was having with Cute Coach?
Did it all start when you failed to understand I was flirting in the conversation and wasn't serious about playing goalie?
Did it all start when you then called my house a week later and insisted I attend a goalie workshop that was starting in 45 minutes?
Did it all start when you failed to take the hint that I hadn't played goalie in three years and had no interest in playing that position?
Did it all start when you tried to get my team to drop out of the B.ham tournament?
Did it all start when you couldn't get me a new jersey, and condemned me to play in a jersey with the name "Wederhoff" printed on the back for the rest of the season?
Did it all start when told Cute Coach and the rest of my team that our second game on Sunday would be in the Consolation bracket, so we should forfeit and go home to rest?
Did it all start when I got home and discovered that our second game on Sunday was for the Semifinals, not the Consolation bracket?

Mazel Tov, Pam!

"Witty" Comebacks

2005-09-05T11:03:00.000-07:00

Angry Parent to Center Ref: Go back to AYSO!

Center Ref to Angry Parent: I'll go back to yo' mama's house!

Completely true conversation exchanged at Dusty's Sunday game.

Split Opinions: Dusty vs. Myself

2005-08-29T20:03:00.000-07:00

Reactions to a Magazine Picture of Gael Garcia Bernal

Me (inner monologue): Wow, he is so attractive. I love his eyes. I love his hair; it looks so thick. I read he speaks, like, five different languages. He's such a good actor, too. When I watched Motorcycle Diaries I actually thought he was Che for a second. Seriously, he almost made me a communist. Gee, he seems so smart. Wow. See, I need to find a guy like him. I'm sick of all these stupid, immature Nathans, Aarons, and Alexes, around here. Oh man, Gael, where are you?

Dusty, older sister (spoken comment): Ew, who is that? He's really ugly.

My Love-Affair with Cleats May Have Come to an Untimely End

2005-08-23T20:14:00.000-07:00

5:32 - Arrive two minutes late for first soccer practice with new team. Hop out of car. Approach Cute Coach.

5:33- Cute Coach stares at my fairly new, comfortable, lovable gray Adidas cleats with flip down tongue and rap around laces (non-removable spikes) now molded to my foot. Cute Coach asks, "Do you have running shoes?" Reply, "No." Cute Coach sighs, "Oh well, we'll be running on the street today. Sorry."

5:45- Team begins slow jog on street. Cleats bang harshly on the asphalt. Teammates jog softly and silently.

5:50- Can feel spikes deteriorating from my cleats with every step upon the barren asphalt desert.

5:55- Car slowly passes. Driver and passenger are young, attractive guys with black do-rags. Passenger whistles. Still undetermined what is attractive about red-faced, sweaty pale white girls with ugly farmers' tans and nasty frizzy hair from humidity.

6:00- Hear faint noise.

6:10- Determine source of noise. Noise coming from cleats. Cleats are crying.

6:15- Cleats continue to cry. Nothing can be done to ease their suffering.

6:17- From the sobs, "Sqeaky, how could you do this to us?" "Oh why, oh why would you betray us?" "What have we done to deserve this?" can be heard.

6:20- Jog complete. Cute Coach authorizes water break. Upon examination of spikes, horrific results have surfaced. Once beautiful, pristine spikes, now bear scars of the asphalt jog.

7:15- In car, riding back to house. Cradling cleats in hand. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. It wasn't my choice. I was forced, forced. Please forgive me cleats. " Pets left shoe.

7:35- Gently brushes mud from cleats. Extra sensitive touch around spikes. Apologizes again. Cleats don't respond. Cries inside.

Will cleats ever forgive me? Time will only tell.

The Great Vowel Shift and Other Life Essentials

2005-08-17T20:30:00.000-07:00

My summer break has finally come to a close. No more moving/packing/drinking-in-Germany for me, no sirree. It's time for me to get my nose to the grindstone. It's time for me to concentrate on what matters in life: graphing inequalities, discussing the Fundamental Orders of Connecticut and the impact it had on the Constitution, and realizing how much "The Great Vowel Shift" transformed the English language.

Now if you'll excuse me, non-existant reader, I have to go write notes on Puritan Massachussets.

Like Ben Stein! Only Duller!

2005-07-07T17:27:00.000-07:00

I am in denial. I deny the fact that I'm not funny, and pretend I am. If you have read this blog, you have already figured that out.

I am roughly the same age as Raridayrar, except I'm not funny.

I like the same celebrities as Jasmine, except I'm not funny.

I want to be a writer like Andy, except I'm not funny.

I'm sure there is some way I am similar to Omar, except I'm not funny.

In unrelated news, my hair looked really good today for some reason. I don't know why, but it did. Unfortunately, I packed all day, so nobody of importance saw my suddenly L'oreal spokesmodel-worthy hair.

Terrorists: The Hate of

2005-07-07T16:33:00.000-07:00

I hate terrorists.

I really do.

I don't like abuse of the Koran in Guantanamo Bay. I don't like how my friends twelve year old brother was searched at an airport because his last name is Islam. Despite that, I really don't like terrorists.

Things I don't like about terrorists:
1. 9/11
2. Madrid attacks
3. London attacks
4. Car bombs
5. Middle Eastern terrorists creating a bad stereotype for all Middle Easterners.

Why did I write this? Mainly because I'm ticked off about London. I have a friend who had plane tickets to London for Live8 and then was going to stay for a while afterwards. Her grandmother had a stroke, and didn't get to go.

As macabre as this may sound, I'm so thankful her grandmother had that stroke.

In conclusion, I hate terrorists
PS - Her grandmother is ok.

Antagonist # 1: Kristina the Serbian Lifeguard

2005-07-04T19:26:00.000-07:00

Antagonist #1: Kristina the Serbian Lifeguard

The lifeguard at my apartment's pool is one raging ball of Serbian psychotic evil. Her name is Kristina, and she's got bleach blonde hair as well as a thick accent. She likes to enforce trivial rules; it makes her feel happy.

I've only got a week left of her, though. After I'm back in (undisclosed location), I'll no longer be plagued by her rule-enforcing ways.

Mi padre suggests making friends with her. He suggested bribing her by informing her about the Serbian resturants nearby, and having breezy chats. Ha, like I would extend an olive branch.

For now, I will be secretly mocking her to anyone that will listen as well as avoiding direct eye contact with her.

Sub(urb) Way System

2005-06-23T11:40:00.000-07:00

In a few months, I'll move back to (undisclosed location) which is the origin of my birth. One-fourth of me is excited to see my lovely friends. The other three-fourths however is throwing a temper tantrum about having to move back to a place with no public transportation.

I need to please the spoiled three-fourths of me, or else I'll most likely kill myself upon realization that if I want to avoid waking up in the wee hours of the morning and riding the school bus, I must do the following:

a) Get a license
b) Get a car
c) Get car insurance
d) Get a parking pass for school
e) Buy gas

I really don't want to do any of those things. However, what can I do, except propose the following plan:

The Sub(urb) Way System
as Proposed by Squeaky

a) Build a Subway system
b) Give it a snappy name that reflects (undisclosed location), hence "The Sub(urb) Way"
c) Use tax dollars to build the Sub(urb) Way, instead of using the tax dollars to build golf courses
d) Install trains with "pick-up" truck like beds in the back. This will asisst people who are required to move heavy objects with them such as mulch, tractors, and furniture

FAQ: The Sub(urb) Way System

+How will this benefit our community?
The sub(urb) way will benefit our community in many ways.
a) The area will be cleaner with less cars to pollute the atmosphere.
b) There will be a lower demand for gasoline and as a result gas needed to power your tractors will decrease in price.
c) This is a great way to meet people.
d) This will encourage excercize as people must walk to stations
e) This will help economic growth. With less tax dollars being spent on road repairs, we can use that money to benefit such things as the school system which is very bad.

+How much will this cost?
There are to options: The DC Plan, or the New York Plan
The DC Plan: Fares determined on length of travel.
The New York Plan: Fares always at a set rate.
The choice is yours, citizens of (undisclosed location).

+What will we take funding from to build this Sub(urb) Way?
Naturally, golf courses.

+This isn't liberal witchcraft is it?
No, honestly, lots of places have these. I'll personally make sure the liberals aren't practicing voodoo in the front car.

+Are you sure?
Positive.

+Are you some sort of genius?
Well, not really. I'm simply a person with a dream to unite all of (undisclosed location).

+Would you like to go to Church services with me on Wednesday?
I'm sorry, but I'm Jewish. Thanks for the offer.