Squeaky's Undisclosed Location

Home of the only Left-Handed, Jewish, Cherokee Girl in the Dirty South

Thursday, December 29, 2005

Costco

So...Costco. Pretty cool, huh?

Yep, now, I've always been more of a Sam's Club gal myself - with my mom having this weird loyalty to the Sam Walden empire because the first Walmart was near her hometown.

However, in this past month, I've switched sides completely and have become a total Costco groupie. Why? - you ask.

  1. Cheap Gas - Since (undisclosed location) is trying to make me suffer, it is sans-Metro. Cheap gas, thus, is a virtue.
  2. Bulk Items - In one trip, I can get enough lox, bagels, and cream cheese to satisfy thius Southern girl's Jewish needs for a solid month.
  3. Kosher Food - Speaking of Jews, the local Costco is managed by a Jewish guy, which means there is finally a place to buy Passover food (instead of asking the clerks at Krogers for matzah, and getting mozzeralla.) Unfortunately, where there is Passover food, there is gefilte fish. I suppose you can't win all the time.
  4. Charming Staff - No joke, the staff at this Costco is completely charming. They are super friendly, nice, helpful, and they give you free samples. Besides, one guy named Terrell could charm the pants off any woman. And he probably has. The 40+ lady behind me in the check out line kept blushing and twinkling at Terrell win he was ringing up her purchases.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Antagonist #3: Josie the Roy Moore Minion

So, there is this Dutch girl named Josie in my 1st and 3rd block class. How do I know she is Dutch? Because that is all she ever talks about.

"New York was founded by the Dutch. LIKE ME!" "I don't care about Spanish, French, German, etc., but I want to learn Dutch...because I am Dutch!" "Hey Ben...bet you can't find Holland! I'm Dutch!" "I aced the test - because I'm DUTCH!" "Guys love blondes. Good thing I'm DUTCH!"

(Of course, when I mention that not all guys prefer blondes and everyone has their own opinion on what is beautiful, she gets all defensive and huffy and says that she's only met guys that like blondes and most guys prefer blondes.)

Yeah...if that isn't enough to make your way on Squeaky's list of antagonists, then it gets worse.

One weekend many moons ago, I'd stayed up super late Sunday working on an paper for English. I had a soccer tournament, so I didn't get to work on it until late at night. The next morning, I was dead tired, and I was sitting on my desk drinking a cup of hot coffee. Josie decides to JUMP ON TOP OF ME and yell "BOO!" in my ear. The coffee didn't have a lid on it...so guess where it went. Yep. I love hot coffee drippig down my jeans at 7:50 in the morning. Really makes my day.

Wait! There's more.

This is the second year she's been in a real school. She was homeschooled every year before that. Homeschooling is fine, if it is your thing. Whatever. Frenchie, a girl on my soccer team, was homeschooled and she is an angel. Homeschooling isn't my thing, but I understand some people like it. Well...Josie's years of having her parent's full attention on her work has hampered her understanding of "group learning" and the fact that the teacher cannot focus on one person at a time. Any time the teacher asks a question, I hear, "Oh! Oh! Me! Me! Me, Mrs. Hanley! Me!"

Of course, then she acts like a martyr later, "I'm the only person that ever reads the chapter on my own. It's like we wouldn't get anywhere if I wasn't there to ask the teacher questions about the chapter."

Aw, poor baby. Do you need a hug? Oh yeah, you do...maybe that is why you HUG the teacher after EVERY period and tell her you love her.


Now...all of that is very annoying, but some people are just annoying. There's nothing you can do about it. Wonderful Josie has, however, so graciously given me a real reason to not like her.

In English, everyone is taking notes on Ralph Waldo Emerson and the transendentalists. Teacher mentions Nature is one of Emerson's most famous works. Because this teacher believes in discussion classes, she asks us all to write our definition of the word nature. Everyone wrote something about "not man-made" or "wildlife". About half the class wrote something about God.

Teacher remembers something and tells us that her old dictionaries have God in the definition of nature, but not the new ones. Josie raises her hand.

"The only people that wouldn't include God in their definition of nature are atheists."

Bah-dum.

"That is not true. You can believe in evolution and science in relation to the biosphere and still believe in God," refuted.

Josie as well as about three or so of the Bible-thumpers go, "How?" Three of those voices were just wondering what I meant. Josie was saying it in a convicting way.

"Deism." this kid Ben suggested. It was a joke because the day before we were taking notes on the rationalists (ie Ben Franklin, Tom Jefferson) and we had to take notes on Deism.

Teacher changed the subject and went back to Emerson.

50-ish minutes later, the bell is about to ring, so everyone is chatting with their neighbors. I was looking around the room, and I noticed a girl, Mary-Ann, talking to Josie. They never talk, so I thought it was interesting. Then I heard what Josie was saying,

"Blah-blah-blah-atheist. Blah-blah-blah-Jewish. Blah-Judaism-blah-God. She says she Jewish, but I think she's atheist."

...

Did Josie honestly sink so low as to question my religion and accuse me of being atheist? Even the way she said atheist. She said it like it was something despicable...atheist. She said it like you would say cochroach or rabid opossum or 5 page MLA essay on symbolism in The Scarlet Letter.

She turned to another girl and said the exact same spiel. It looked like the second girl was defending me.

It's not like she knows anything about Judaism. I didn't say anything blasphemous. Any Jew'll tell you that the theory of evolution coincides with the Torah. Wasn't it Socrates that said (more or less) that nature is physical, and spirituality is metaphysical, thus comparing the two is like comparing apples to Jesus melons.

I didn't say I supported ethnic-cleansing. I didn't say I was a fascist. I said that it is possible to believe in God and believe in evolution. Maybe she'll send a Galapagos island finch (that has NEVER been altered in ANY way WHATSOEVER) to bite me.

I thought Jesus said to "turn the other cheek" not "turn the other cheek to the girl next to you and talk about how that heathen Jewgirl is going to burn in hell. Dadgum Chirstkiller."


PS - And she said "we" in reference to the Civil War South (ie. identifying with the CSA), thinks alcohol should be banned and is eeeeeevil (even if you a responsible adult who is drinking in moderation), complaines about how her gold braces make her "teeeth hurrt sssoooo baaad."

PPS - And she mispronounces words like Protestant.

Monday, December 05, 2005

But Where is Public Enemy?

Well, I was clicking through my mom's iPod earlier today, checking out everything she's got on there. I know she sneaks some of my CDs out of my room and downloads them on it, so I wanted to see what she had.

It was everything I expected, until about half way through the "Artist" section. Nestle snuggly in between Ray Charles and Stevie Nicks is...Run-DMC.

Yep. My mom wouldn't let me go to a Kanye West concert, but she listens to Run-DMC on her iPod.

Mom, you have Run-DMC on your iPod?
Yep.

But you wouldn't let me go to that Kanye West concert?
I wouldn't let you go to a Run-DMC concert.

But they are, like, ten times "worse" than Kanye.
You can listen to Run-DMC if you want.

No, I just meant that if Run-DMC was ok, then Kanye West should be ok.
Well, I don't have a problem with you buying Kanye West albums. I just wouldn't let you go to the concert.

Why not?
Because I'm mean. Hey, who's that guy in Dodgeball and Thumbsucker? The one ol' Jennifer Aniston is dating? Vince Vaughn, right? I think I'm starting to like him. He's on this Sex and the City episode and...

Thursday, December 01, 2005

Overheard in (Undisclosed Location)

People say some really funny things some times. Some of them intentional. Some of them not so much. Some of these funny things were spoken directly to me. Some of them I overheard in the hallways.

Anyways, I present to you a collection of quotes I've stored in my brain for the last few months. Viola.


Girl: Mmm...Nazi. That is a really funny word to say.


Teacher: You are Will's brother aren't you? He's the school president. Are you a leader as well?
Boy: Actually, I'm more of a follower.


Muslim Girl: Let's have sex on tables...with JEWISH BOYS.


Woman (looking at construction site): What are they building there? It looks like a church.
Girl: I think it is one of those Youth Centers. Y'no, where kids go and play basketball...for the Lord.


Boy: Don't you like democracy?
Girl: As opposed to totalitarian regimes? Yes.


Girl 1: You look like a sailor.
Girl 2: Thank you.


Security Officer (confused): Young man, are you praying?
Boy (knealing at locker): No. I'm getting my History book.


Girl 1: Frederick Douglas is so unbelievably hot.
Girl 2: The abolitionist?
Girl 1: Yeah, isn't he?