Squeaky's Undisclosed Location

Home of the only Left-Handed, Jewish, Cherokee Girl in the Dirty South

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Lies of Soccer

Soccer. The International Sport. Soccer is the most widely played sport in the world. It is played on every continent in the world.

Yes, even Antarctica. Polar bears are very serious about their futbol.

Despite the sport's prestige, it remains clouded in mystery to most Americans. For clarification about this sport, I present to you a list of Socccer Lies.

  1. Offense sells tickets. Defense wins games. - Ha ha, no. In a sport with an average socre of 1-0, 2-0, 2-1, etc. goal scorers are really important. Also, no one buys tickets to soccer games, so the first sentence is irrelevent.
  2. Everything starts in the back. - Lie. A good combination can start anywhere on the field. Many o' sweepers have said that, and many o' times I've rolled my eyes. Ah sweepers, very important people saying very silly things.
  3. Soccer is rougher than football. - False. Soccer is a quick game that requires its athletes to be in shape to run around for 90 minutes with only one water break. Soccer, however, is not rougher than football. Yes, soccer players get slidetackled and hip-checked, but they do not get headbutted by 200 lb linebackers running at a full sprint.
  4. "I can't play fullback, I'm a forward" - You are wrong. Every position in soccer (save goal keeper) is essentially the same position at a different point in the field. When your team has the ball, you spread out and get open for a pass or through-ball. When the opposing team has the ball, you compress the field and eliminate passing lanes. Every position does that soccer does not require players to specialize in any area of the game.
  5. David Beckham is the best soccer player of his time. - Hmm...most famous? Yes. Most attractive? Yes - though Theirry Henry, Jaime Moreno, and the entire US Men's National Team are close behind. Most Skilled? Nah - obviosuly he's got a great shot and speed, but Ronaldinho has that title. Pele' was awesome, as was Maradona, but they are retired.
  6. Soccer players are sexy - Um, actually that is true.

Monday, October 17, 2005

Concert Math

Question: Can Squeaky go to a Common/Kanye West concert two hours away in November?

My Mother's Logic:

Artist in question writes songs that feature good lyrics with a message +2
Artist in question uses "fuck" more than necessary in songs -2
Artist in question dresses sharp +1
Artist in question bashed George W. +1
Artist in question does not get frequent air time on radio in (undisclosed location) -1
Concert is two hours away -2

2 - 2 +1 + 1 -1 - 2 = -1

-1 = Squeaky can't go to Common/Kanye West concert.

Friday, October 14, 2005

I Know Artsy People!

Why yes! My friend Ingrid is a fabulous art-eest.

Saturday, October 08, 2005

Redeeming Qualities of (Undisclosed Location)

Today was really wonderful in its simplicity.

It is just turning to Fall and the air was nice a cool. I got a little mocha drink with my mom at a Mom-n-Pop coffee house. I also got a cute little cactus plant. Later, I ran stairs with my dog outside.

Maybe life in (undisclosed location) isn't so bad.

Nice Things in (Undisclosed Location)

  1. My dog - Life in an apartment one block from the Metro was nice, but we couldn't bring our mutt dog with us. She had to stay with some friends on a farm.
  2. Modesty - Washingtonians obviously live in a wonderful, important city, but Washingtonians sometimes value thier importance almost too much. Living in a humble town like (undisclosed location) has made me realize that the world does not revolve around Congress. It is nice opening the newspaper and have the ability to read about sweet old ladies that are selling bracelets for breast cancer patients or organizing Katrina relief drives, as opposed to opening the newspaper and reading about the bureacratic travesty that is Congress.
  3. Lack of Avant-Garde Snobs - (Undisclosed Location) does have its fair share of snobs, but they are the classic "rich-and-pretty-with-nice-hair" snobs. I don't mind them. They aren't my favorite people, but you knnow that in a few years, most of them will grow out of it. The snobs I don't care for are the "You like them? Their music is so cliche. I mean how many times have you seen the poor-girl-from-the-projects-now-I'm-a-multimillionare." These are the same kids that insist on leaving this wretched capitalist country and living in a small hut in Eritrea where they will save the world by giving a toy to every deprived African child. I've been quixotic at times, but I would never ridicule anyone because they want to find success in the American market.
  4. Quiet Nights - Last year I lived across the street from three popular yuppy bars. 2 o' clock in the morning, I heard all the drunken fights and arguments. I also lived next to a fire station, so 2 o' clock in the morning I also heard the fire trucks roar by. Now, I sleep peacefully to the sound of chirping crickets and gently-hooting owls. It's nice.

Friday, October 07, 2005

Band Cult

This is totally a Southern thing, but...band is a cult.

FAQs

Would I lie about band being a cult?

No.

How do you know this?

Because I know many band people.

Is Color Guard included in the cult?

Yes.

How do these band members get sucked into the cult?

You are about to find out, non-existant reader.


Band Cult Math

50 scared, socially-awkward 7th graders + 1 evil Band-obsessed director x shiny medals from competitions - non-Band friends + oppurtunity to play at pep rallies - other after school activites x 1 band trip to Disneyworld x 6 years of Band post-7th grade = Band Cult


The band at my school is so serious and absorbed in band that they have forgotten how to interact with other non-Band members and even how to enjoy non-Band activities.

Squeaky: I want to buy tickets to the Kanye West concert. That's going to be so awesome.
Saxophone: I hate rap so much. It takes no musical skill to talk fast into the microphone. Everything is synthetic, anyways. Absolutely no musical instrument of any kind is being used.

Commentary: It isn't okay to ridicule someone for their music preference just because you don't listen to it.

Squeaky: Who did you vote for to be in the Homecoming Court?
Flute: Did you vote for any cheerleaders?
Squeaky: Yeah, but -
Flute: Oh my gosh! I can't believe you did that! Why? Cheerleaders are so mean and stuck up. They have this clique, and they don't let any one in it. They are so judgemental! I voted for band people.
Squeaky: Well, every group can seem judgemental. I'm sure has cliques.
Flute: No, see Band is a community. Everyone is so nice.

Commentary: It isn't ok to stereotype all cheerleaders if you (obviously) don't know any of them.

Squeaky: Are you going to Homecoming?
Trumpet: No, the band is going bowling instead. Homecoming is overrated.

Commentary: If you've never been to Homecoming, how do you know if it is overrated.

Clarinet: Yesterday, three people passed out at Marching Band practice.
Squeaky: What? How?
Clarinet: Dehydration. They work us so hard. If we don't play our song correctly, we have to run a half-lap.
Squeaky: With your instruments?
Clarinet: No, just by ourselves.
Squeaky: Oh.
Clarinet: We have two hour practices, three times a week.
Squeaky: Well, that sounds like a regular sport practice.
Clarinet: It's worse. I mean, you never see people on the football team pass out.

Commentary: Maybe they never pass out because they are in shape.