Squeaky's Undisclosed Location

Home of the only Left-Handed, Jewish, Cherokee Girl in the Dirty South

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Interupting @ Social Inappropriate Times

On the school bus, en route to mon maison, three kids in my grade sat in front of me reading their History book.

Anyway, Peter Provancha (real name; though I always thought provancha was a type of cheese) was reading aloud to Rebecca Something (or maybe it is Mary?) about the Constitution.

PP: Ha, it says the number of electorates is chosen by the number of whole people in the state.
R?M?: Ha, whole people.
PP: Yeah, I guess half people don't coun't.
R?M?: Oh, we're learning about that. It is called the...oh, wait...um...I forgot. Oh, it is called the Delaware Plan.
PP: I don't know, I guess.

At this point, I interrupted them. I shouldn't have, but I did.

Squeaky: No, it is not called the Delaware Plan. It is called the 3/5 Compromise, and it was written back during slavery because the southern states refused to give up their slaves, yet the northern states disapproved. So they decided each slave would be considered 3/5 of a person.

PP & R?M?: Stares.

Squeaky: The Great Compromise was when they decided to create a Senate and a House of Representatives, the Senate being based on the New Jersey plan and the House being based on the Virginia Plan.

PP & R?M?: Stares.

Squeaky (embarrassed): Sorry.

Monday, September 26, 2005

Math Class Sample Conversation

Mel: Did you guys watch Desperate Housewives last night?
Bri: Oh! Yes, I did.
Paisley: Me too!
Squeaky: Aw man, I missed it. I still haven't seen an episode of it. I want to though. I practically know the entire plot just from all the stories I've read about it.
Bri: You mean like Fan Fiction?

Crickets: chirp * chirp*

Squeaky: I'm not that much of a dork.

Pause

Squeaky: I missed Lost the other night too.
Mel: Ah, it was so good.
Paisley: It was!
Bri: Oh, I was watching the Chappelle Show the other day.
Squeaky: A ha, I've seen that show!
Bri: Did you see the one about Electric Guitars and the effect they have on white people.
Squeaky: No, but I saw one about Wayne Brady doing drive-bys.
Bri: Hey! I saw that one too.
Squeaky: Yeah, yeah. When he drives up to that club with Dave, and everyone is like, "Oh shit! It's Wayne Brady!". Then he starts busting all these caps in them.
Bri: flincing at word shit.
Bri: Well, then he kills the cop and takes money from the prostitutes.
Squeaky: Oh yeah, that was so funny. "Am I gonna hafta choke a bitch?" Dave is all like, "Run, bitches! Run for your lives!"
Mel: Hey! Language!
Squeaky: I was quoting. It wouldn't if I substituted prostitute for bitch.

Pause

Paisley: I didn't start watching Comedy Central until I saw the Blue Collar Comedy Show.
Squeaky: I watch it all the time. Ever seen the Daily Show?
Bri, Mel, Paisley: No.
Squeaky: My god, that is some funny stuff. They had a special report called "Evolution Shmevolution" the other day. They went to that town from the Scopes Monkey Trials, and the reporter was acting like it was some fact town like Williamsburg -
Bri: How could a town be fake?
Squeaky: No, he was just acting like it was a tourist attraction, and all the inhabitants were actors. But, they were all these real big Bible-swearing conservatives who fervently denied evolution. At the end, the reporter goes something along the lines of, "Just enjoy the fact that this town is totally fictional, because if it wasn't, it was be some scary shit."
Mel: Squeaky, please. You don't have to cuss.
Squeaky: It was a quote! It is ok if you're quoting.

Pause

Squeaky: Have any of you seen The Hebrew Hammer?
Bri: Um, no. We're not all Jewish you know.
Squeaky: It's a satire. It's only part Jewish jokes, though. The rest is about Santa Claus.
Bri: *snort*

Squeaky gets up, drops binder, papers fly out.

Squeaky: Fuck!

The moral of this story is "Don't let anyone ever tell you Jews can't swear." I made three Goyim very uncomfortable with my usage of gentle cuss words.

The sad thing is, I was already censoring myself. I didn't even get a chance to get creative before they were shaking their heads at me. I guess I'll never get a chance to show off all the great Spanish swer words I picked up in DC. Bummer, because I pricked up some pretty good ones.

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

iPod Lost?

Hee hee, whoops. Can't find my iPod. Anywhere. Um, yeah. Whoops.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Confirming Coach's Attractiveness: Outside Source

JP met Cute Coach Saturday. According to her, Cute Coach is "extremely sexy" and "better looking than [the other guys I've liked.]" She also said he was vaguely reminiscent of Gael Garcia Bernal.

Ain't gonna argue with that.

Thursday, September 15, 2005

Worst Pick-Up Line Ever

This took place a month ago, at a city pool. I was watching my brother and his friend swim while I read Pride & Prejudice.

A guy roughly my age comes over to me, sits down next to me and says, "Do you have a needle? I need to pop a scab."

EW!

He proceeds to pick at a scab on his knee for about ten minutes. I give him a mean look, hoping he'll leave. He doesn't. He spends the next one and a half following me everywhere I go.

I'm shuddering just thinking about him.

Saturday, September 10, 2005

Riding in Cars with Cute Coaches

Two Thursdays ago, my mom extended an offer to Cute Coach that he could ride with us to the tourney in B.ham. He ended up riding down with Viv (who has the most amiable personality of anyone you will ever meet. Ever.)

That Saturday night, the team went out for a big Chinese dinner. All of us players sat at one table (discussing the pros
and cons of transgender surgery); the parents and Cute Coach sat at another table (discussing whatever stuff parents and Cute Coaches like to discuss). Several times throughout the night, I turned around to witness my mom and Cute Coach having a wonderful, delightful conversation. Who knew he was Cute Coach/Great Conversationalist?

Fast Forward to Thursday: After one very intense work-out (I'm still sore - 2 days, 4 Ibuprofen later) Cute Coach polled the team seeking conformation that everyone would be down at B.ham again Saturday for another game. At this point he looks over at (with his big, chocolate eyes) and says, "You're going right? Is it alright if I ride with you?"

Of course I say "yes". I completely thank my mom for suddenly becoming BFFs with him, or else he might've kept on riding with Viv (whom I could still never hate, even if she converted to Scientology.)


He called Friday to get directions to our house. Just then I learned that my dad would be driving down to B.ham, not my mom. For a moment I panicked (Would my dad get along as famously with him as my mom does? Could we sustain a conversation the entire car ride without my mom and her ever expanding collection of conversation topics?). I didn't say anything, though because I wasn't in the mood to bitch.

He came by my house this morning and 11:20. I was still rushing around setting up my soccer bag, so I offered him a drink and then my mom took him on a grand tour of the house.

When it was time for us to hit the road, Cute Coach hopped into the back seat of our (pimped) Honda Minivan. I got in the middle row, and my dad drove. Cute Coach and I watched
The Bad Seed on the way down. When I found out he'd never seen it, I made him watch it. No movie is as campy (or as suprisingly disturbing) as The Bad Seed.

We won the game; I played badly in the first half but better in the second.

Then we started our journey back to (undisclosed location). Cute Coach transformed once more into Cute Coach/Great Conversationalist, and I talked with him the entire return trip. He went to Germany two years ago, and I went over the summer, so we talked about everything that is crazy in Germany. Considering my dad was 2 feet away, I figured it was a good idea not to flirt with CC/GC. That would be easier to do if CC/GC wasn't so perfect (in my opinion atleast.)

The best part of the whole experience? He asked for a ride down to this Saturday's game back in B.ham. Take that Viv (but I still love you!)

Monday, September 05, 2005

Antagonist # 2: Pam the Team Manager

Ah, Pam. Where should I begin? I've known you for a mere two weeks, and you've already made it onto my Antagonists List. But how could you make my list so quickly? When did your downward spiral start?

  • Did it all start when you began pressuring me to join the team before I'd even met Cute Coach?
  • Did it all start when I asked you a question, and you couldn't even finish your sentence before turning and walking away?
  • Did it all start when you started listening in on the conversation I was having with Cute Coach?
  • Did it all start when you failed to understand I was flirting in the conversation and wasn't serious about playing goalie?
  • Did it all start when you then called my house a week later and insisted I attend a goalie workshop that was starting in 45 minutes?
  • Did it all start when you failed to take the hint that I hadn't played goalie in three years and had no interest in playing that position?
  • Did it all start when you tried to get my team to drop out of the B.ham tournament?
  • Did it all start when you couldn't get me a new jersey, and condemned me to play in a jersey with the name "Wederhoff" printed on the back for the rest of the season?
  • Did it all start when told Cute Coach and the rest of my team that our second game on Sunday would be in the Consolation bracket, so we should forfeit and go home to rest?
  • Did it all start when I got home and discovered that our second game on Sunday was for the Semifinals, not the Consolation bracket?

Mazel Tov, Pam!

"Witty" Comebacks

Angry Parent to Center Ref: Go back to AYSO!

Center Ref to Angry Parent: I'll go back to yo' mama's house!

Completely true conversation exchanged at Dusty's Sunday game.